January 26, 2022
DM – Calmseeker
In which a heroic band of Sleeper Island PCs valiantly do their chores. Ruined Oak Botanical Gardens and ZHT portal outpost completed.
Members:
Dakka Doon: scout
Nog: guy that kills all the things. Should never trailblaze again
Kirnis: Wild Magic electric light show
Weezer: Sikahla gravewarden
Breathless: faithful undead sidekick
Katla was supposed to come along with us, but I guess she was too busy doing super important high-level shit like getting people killed while almost releasing horrible monsters from their prisons they weren’t gonna break out of on their own – all for some bullshit crystals that may or may not fuck us all over. Meanwhile, the rest of us are doing work. Keeping this fucking place running and shit.
We got a new guy this time – A mass of darkness wrapped up several layers of clothing. He couldn’t help but give me a chill as he loomed 3 inches above me in height. He had a “friend” too. He called him Breathless. Totally a fucking Necromancer. I know what to look for now that I had all those missions with Gorstag back in the day. I miss Friend. This Breathless guy seems alright, but Friend was much more oozy and huggable.
Anyway, the first thing we gotta do is get a golden flower. For the botanical gardens in Ruined Oak. Because of course you need a magical fucking golden flower to make shit grow because everyone here is a murdering psychopath or a desperate refugee – and all of us suck at gardening.
Magical golden bullshit flower grows on top of a fucking mountain of course. A briar wall blocks the base of that mountain. Or course it’s a bullshit briar wall so effort and choppy chops alone won’t get us through. We needed a guide.
Lucky we got friends. Because we are nice murdering psychopaths, and constantly doing all these bullshit chores pays out. So, the Monastery of the Rushing Stream is nearby and they say that can help us out. Rina, their representative, was really nice. Also, her monks’ robes were sexy as fuck. You better spend your days kicking shit and running on walls if you are gonna get away with showing that much leg. We stayed the night and I got my own set of sexy monks’ robes. But I have stubby goblin legs so trying them on just made me sad. One day though, when I have mastered the giant runes, I will have ultimate power and sexy long legs. Soon…
So, the monks were a bit beat up. I guess they fought in the white moon cove fight, at least that’s what I thought their boss Doemi said. Didn’t feel bad at all giving these guys my 1 gp to stay the night. My magic bean flavor was a very satisfying mushroom soup.
Rina leads us to a path through the briar wall, but says there is a big drow city (“Ashilin” I think is the name) that runs the place and we needa check in. Fucking elves. Only people in all of Faerun to be so fucking racist that they actually think one group of them is good or bad based on fucking skin tone of all things. Knife eared pricks. So we get there and we get our super fucking insulting “amulet of attunement bullshit taxodermy what the fuck ranking”. Nog and I scored a 4. Kirnis got a 5. They had to figure out Weezer for a while but the head racist pulled the number 3 out of her ass because “he looked cute” (fuck the gnolls and kobolds, when do we get to do a purge on these assholes?). Rina got a 2. Thought it would be worse since she was half drow and racists hate that race mixing shit, but sexy legs and all that.
So, wearing our amulets of assholes, we safely made our way up the slope and found the great guardian of the mountain and god worshipped by the monks of the Monastery of the Rushing Stream: Chunjin, the Kirin. A Kirin is like a unicorn. Only better. And more Kara-Tur than feywild. This one was alright. He didn’t talk like a dick or anything. And he had our golden flower. Of course, it came with a “but…”, but I didn’t mind. He had been stuck on the mountain for too long and wanted to know if he was still weak and challenged us to a trial by combat. He was. Nog and I (mainly Nog) slapped him and his little feather snake and telepuppy friends around like little bitches. No one got badly hurt and Chunjin healed the bumps and scrapes at the end. Good times. We got our flower, and Chunjin was all ‘fuck this mountain’ and planned to head homeward to “Speckhome Glade”, to the west. Doemi, the boss of The Monastery of the Rushing Stream, decided they should follow their spiritual guide and abandon the monastery. So, if you are in the Port Mirandia area, keep an eye out for our new neighbors with the sexy gams. They are alright.
Other than that, nothing much happened. Found some more shit some assholes randomly left on the ground. Mostly left that trash alone. Kirnis didn’t explode or summon anything fun like last time, but he did become a slightly darker shade of blue. It works for him. Guy might be a bit of a dick, but he is a hell of a handsome dick. Nog got us lost like five fucking times on the way there and ate some funky kiwi fruit at the base of the mountain and started seeing a bunch of shit that wasn’t there. Someone must have slipped some of those in my dinner, because on our last night in the woods before returning to Ruined Oak, I saw a large humanoid with long white hair and bestial features during my watch. I wanted to think it was a bug bear, but I know it wasn’t. Anyway, it passed gas at me then fucked off to wherever it was going. And the next morning we did the same – safely making it back to Ruined Oak.
Normally this would be time to head back to Port Mirandia and see if I had any flamewhiskey left. But, there was more shit to do and none of us could think of a good reason to not just go out and do it. This last job was straightforward and shit. Some asshole wants to build a fort over in ZHT, because I guess they like snow.
We get our worky boys and we go through the portal and they don’t die. Weezer didn’t die either. Or even pass out. Worky boys start working and we start guarding. On the first day we get attacked by bugbears that were mad they lost some sort of sports ball bullshit. After it was all said and done, Nog was sad – and they was dead. Real fucking quick like too. Weezer made new friends.
On the second day some bullshit fire breathing doggos got into our shit. Had to distract them a bit so they didn’t torch the workers, but they were fucking sorted quick enough.
Last day, I find some asshole trying to die in the snow. Branjon Starker, he called himself. Said he was a great lord and some shit about white walkers. I told him he could stay as the first guest of this outpost and made him give me a gold piece. Not gonna lie. That felt fucking satisfying.
Towards the evening the white walker, or a “white” for short, arrived with some regular sized skeletons, a frost giant skeleton, and a mysterious beast covered in white fure with piercing blue eyes that walked on two legs and had a monstrous features and enormous feet and…fuck meeeeeeeeeee. It was a fucking Yeti. A fucking goat fucking real life yeti with freezy eye powers and chilling breath and everything. Katla was right. I was wrong. Fuck her. Fuck you. And fuck this fucking island.
Anyway, for an imaginary creature, that fucking yeti came to work. If it wasn’t for my nice new flametongue and him being all afraid of fire and shit I would have been all kinds of fucked. Weezer’s new zombie horde helped out a lot too. Say what you want to about how they smell – necromancers are reliable fuckers. Anyway, we take the ‘un’ out of the undead and turn the Yeti into trail jerky. Branjon’s bannermen show up after the fight and thanks us for being the fucking heroes we fucking are before going back to their castle to the north. Didn’t bother to get an exact location. Branjon helped out with the construction (still don’t feel bad about making him give me a gold piece) so everything finished up on time and we got back through the portal.
No workers dead because that shit don’t happen on my watch.
