Le Count
Since I wrote logs for the last two trips I was on, so I guess everyone thought I was gonna write this one too. Which I wasn’t. But fuck it. Someone should write something at least, about the “mirror shard”.
HIGHLIGHTS:
- Argentius is a fucking dumbass and we got who knows how many evil mirror copies of AFK members living and dead out there now.
- Katla is a bit of a cunt when it comes to stealing.
- The Abyss itself hates it when we build shit.
Dakka Doon – goblin and Port Mirandia dancing champion
Nog – bugbear and furry
Katla – professional stick in the mud
Hanbal – Jackalwere
Gau – moon Druid with brain worms that gives me goodberries
Gar Got – goliath moon Druid with brain worms that doesn’t give me goodberries
Glanfarth – the other goliath and honorary fighter
So we had to help a crew build an outpost. Because that’s my fucking full time job now. I don’t remember where it was. Only we saw some shit when we got there. Probably should check up on the garrison there later. They might be fucked.
Anyway, we were a murderous crew. Even the workers were ready to fuck shit up. Not much bothered us on the way there. We were traveling with a monk of the Harmonious Path of Westernly Harmony Way…fuck, I don’t remember the fucking name. It’s the guys that fucked off to the Port Mirandia area when the Kirin they worshipped moved west. It’s in my other fucking log, OK. Anyway Kera, or Nora, or Vira…the half drow with the sexy legs. She was with us. Looking for poo.
(Why would you say “poo”, you ask? Because to a goblin “shit” can mean anything, but poo only means one thing. I don’t want anyone getting all confused – the shit she wanted was poo)
Anyway, Legs was traveling with us because our fort spot was also a great poo spot, or she had a vision or some shit. I don’t fucking know.
Only thing I remember running into on our trip, besides a whole bunch of fucking trash, that people leave all over the fucking island, that I’m trying not to let bother me so much, were a band of riders. When hailed, they said they were looking for a fugitive who escaped half-way through his decade(s?) long prison sentence for stealing rations. Someone asked where the riders were from. I assumed they asked so we would know the best spot to never fucking visit, ever. They were kinda cagey so I didn’t get a good idea where that was. To be safe, just avoid ration stealing in that whole general area.
We got to the spot after we were done talking to the fascists, and on the first day, my keen senses found Legs her special poo. I’m so proud to have this immortalized in a log. “The Poofinder” – that title will strike fear in the hearts of my enemies. Well, the Laurelin Tree, given to them by their beloved fucking Chunjin the kirin, will grow all nice and tall now. So that’s something.
Legs thanked us and fucked off with her poo and the rest of us got to preparing to deal with whatever inevitably shows up to fuck with anyone trying to build anything bigger than a wood shed on this fucking island.
This is where we get to the important shit. Later on that day or the next my keen goblin ears heard the sound of someone screaming in terrible pain. I rushed to help, because that’s what heroes fucking do. The rest of the crew was fast and heroic enough to not be too far behind me. Except Katla. She hung back to cover the workers. Which was smart. But I think she just wanted to do that leapy thing where she flies hundreds of feet at a time. She seems to really like doing that.
Well, after running up the other side of the ravine we come across some crazy fucks whipping themselves. They were a mix of half-orcs and hobgoblins and humans. Fucking fascists hobbos were the first sign they were into fuckery. Well, the second sign. Them whipping themselves was the first. One of them offered their whip to Nog to see if he wanted to join in on, but since they wanted him to do all the whipping on himself he said no. One of the bright boys with us noticed they were all worshippers of Loviatar, the Pain Maiden. Which means there was enough signs of fuckery for us to call for Katla, who flew over with her little leapy power all fucking proud and shit.
The creepos had some poor bastard in a sack who turned out to be Valjean Toulon, the world’s most unlucky aasimar. In some back in forth we found out they got a hold of him and found his brand for being an escaped convict and started torturing the fuck out him because that is what they do. We also found out they talked to fucking Grinna the cloud giant and got a magical mirror shard which summons a half-elf who has been guiding them. Like the voice of their fucked up goddess or something. Grinna should be dead. So either she isn’t dead which means me and a few others have a fucking problem on our hands or they talked to her before we killed the bitch. Anyway, this shard must have come from the mirror of Argentius, the pain in the ass silver dragon. Dickhead’s mirror was enchanted to preserve the memory of whoever donated a hair or whatever sample and Grinna fixed it up so those memories came to life as fucked up evil copy clones. Katla was strangely not concerned with the poor bastard being beaten half to death after being imprisoned half a decade for stealing some fucking rations. Nog, however, was not having it and eventually shit became a proper fucking dust up. Me? I was wondering who the fuck this half elf they were talking about was gonna be.
We found out soon enough. He was a handsome fellow with a little bit of salt and pepper in his beard and about as friendly and open a fucking smile as I would have ever seen – if that smile made it to his red, emotionless eyes. All of our hearts sank. We only had one thought among us – thank god the bitch didn’t clone the fucking goose too. Yatari once said Bardy was the only other bard she met that she liked. Because he was just that nice of a guy. Well, this one wasn’t nice, but he still was a veteran of multiple campaigns that better heroes than me didn’t come back from. A proper fucking horror if there ever was one.
Luck was in our favor though. The cultist leader let loose a mighty swing at one of our guys that I redirected to Evil Bardy which stunned the bastard and gave us the momentum to push the fight to the cultists. Even then, it was a close thing since even a weaker copy of Bardy is still tougher than fucking old shoe leather and he still almost took a few of out, blowing himself and most of us up when he saw the fight was lost. Well, Loviatar cultists got crumped and the Aasimar finally caught a break by not getting caught in Bardy boom. Fucking heroes is what we are.
That night there was a minor dustup. Katla caught poor Valjean checking out sleeping Nog like he was gonna steal from him and that caused a big uproar. Dumb bastard admitted that he was thinking about stealing too. That sent Katla into full I AM THE LAW and we all had to talk her down from killing the poor bastard. I was getting pretty fucking pissed but things settled down before I went and got myself killed by an artifact battle axe with a fuck you rune on it.
Fuck you rune still got employed. The last thing we had to deal with was a bunch of fucking demons from fucking hell (and a troll) showing up to wreck shit. Really making me wonder about the build site thinking back on that. Fuck you rune paralyzed the biggest and grabbiest one and we managed to fuck up the rest(I killed the troll – flametongue). Poor Hanbal got his leg cut off by the slicey one, but he took it like a champ. We won the fight and got him fixed up when we got back. Got Nog fixed up too. He got zapped in the cultist fight and made all dumb and shit. Didn’t really slow him down though.
Anyway, fort was built. No casualties. Got ol’ Valjean back to town where he either is going back to his family and stop his life of crime…or he made all that shit up because he finally figured out you should lie when the psychopath asks you about stealing. Either one is good by me. I wish him the best.