Le Count

The following events are all true. The names and dates have been changed to protect the innocent.

Happy Jack – <Ms. Pepper>

Beanstalk/Lumber Jack – <Professor Sly>

Candlestick Jack – <Mr. Spirit Fingers>

One-eyed/Giant-killer Jack – <Ms. Avocado>

Port Mirandia, Potted Plant, 9:37 P.M., Sevenday.

Approached by suspicious merchant dangling gold purse in front of me. Did not take bait. Caught eye of stupid looking elf watching me.  Approached suspect and began interrogation.  Brought bottle and  spare glass.  It was the cheap shit.  Stupid looking elf was <Ms. Pepper>, a known troublemaker in the area, in disguise.  Was correct coin purse was bait.  Part of an elaborate plan to assess my lifting talents and engage me in a job.  Plan was stupid and never worked.  Just like <Ms. Pepper>.  Job offer was good though.  Would convene at Bitter Dwarf Inn in Ruined Oak on Nineday.  <Ms. Pepper> Seemed strangely sad after interview and her wine bottle had mysteriously emptied itself – had her help me finish bottle I brought.  What happened to her wine remains unsolved, but witnesses report it was fucking delicious.

Ruined Oak, Bitter Dwarf Inn, 7:46 PM, Nineday

Met other members of our team, <Mr. Spirit Fingers> and <Professor Sly>.  Had worked with the Professor in the past.  A good kid. Shame he is doomed to die a virgin.  <Mr. Spirit Fingers> was new. Would be providing necessary booyagh for mission.  Seemed eager to explode things.  Liked him at once.  Missing one member, <Mr. Thneed>.  Troublemaker. Often speaks out against guilds and government.  Suspect Pit Fiend got him.  Will carry on with only four members.

Client, <Lord Moneybags>, arrives. Briefs us on mission.  Agent working in Tor Merr.  Placement compromised.  Information she has been sending has been suspect.  Enemy forces acting against us – too well informed.  Tasked to assess agent loyalty. Ordered to extract if loyal. Execute if not. We are informed target is a Yuan-Ti pureblood with distinctive red hair.  Name is given: <Madam Slithertits>. Slight discussion about payment. <Lord Moneybags> is a cheap bastard.  Offered stew recipe as payment upon successful return.  Assumed it was code for something valuable.  It wasn’t.  Mission details and roles were discussed. <Ms. Pepper> got copy of Tor Merr residence papers to forge documents we might need. Suspected nearest portal to Tor Merr will be watched so will depart in morning from Port Mirandia.

Port Mirandia, Outskirts and Portal area, 8:17 AM, Tenday.

Fuck me, it’s too damn early in the morning.  Struggle to appear awake to the others.  Taking northwest road.

Bumblefuck Highway, Fort Yatari, 7:23 PM.

Made it to safety of outpost. <Ms. Pepper> complained about having to pay to stay there.  Meteor struck outside during the night.  No further complaints about overnight fees.

Forest NW of Bumblefuck Highway, 6:47 PM, Oneday.

<Professor Sly> helped up us make great time along road.  Pushed to woods so we could camp in more hidden location.  Saw group of Yuan-Ti halfbloods carrying large object looking like an ornate altar.  Figured altar looking object was actually palanquin holding Yaun-Ti lich abomination – did not make contact.  Looked like they were going to rush through the night – no risk of them fucking with our camp.

Forest NW of Bumblefuck Highway, campsite, 9:00 PM, Oneday

Lapendi hunting band makes camp near our own.  T-rex slain.  Great rejoicing.  Very much wanted to join T-Rex killing party.  Because those are the best parties.  But I am a professional.  Stayed on mission.  Did not make contact.  Rest of the night noisy but uneventful.

Wilds SE of Tor Merr, 2:37 PM, Twoday

Saw Yaun-Ti halfblood corpse on side of the road.  Snake face pallid from shock and being a corpse.  Either dead of exhaustion after running through the night with a heavy-ass palanquin designed to look like a heavy-ass altar, or lich abomination it was carrying ate his soul as a snack.  Did not examine body close enough to know for sure.

Outskirts of Tor Merr, Sunset Twoday

Made great time again thanks to <Professor Sly>.  Arrived at outside of Snakerton just as sun going down.  A bit tired from trip but timing to make our move too good to pass up.  A sense of urgency mysteriously grips us.  Made plans to enter city.  Used magic to disguise as Yuan-Ti slaves.  Threw mud on rest of our group anyway. Better that way. More authentic.  Found sewer entrance.  Left <Captain Toofus>, the giant cat <Ms. Pepper> was riding, behind to watch our escape route.  Sewer Entrance large and grated.  Grew large with Giant booyagh and tore off grate so group could pass.  <Professor Sly> uses Fey booyagh to make us all more sneaky. <Ms. Pepper> uses Succubus booyagh to let us all speak to each other telepathically.

Tor Merr Lower Central District, Well, 7:52 PM

Able to navigate sewers.  <Ms. Pepper>’s bat familiar, <Nice Mr. Death>, scouts exit.  Light traffic.  <Professor Sly> and I slip out of well and make it to cover without being seen because we are small and sneaky.  <Ms. Pepper> and <Mr. Spirit Fingers> slip out of well and make it to cover without being seen because they cheated and cast Invisibility.  Used to cities.  Even stupid snake cities were everything is built on a fucking hill.  <Professor Sly> and I are able to get group to bathhouse <Madam Slithertits> was last known to work in.  Presence in city still hidden.

Tor Merr Lower Central District, Bathhouse, 9:23 PM 

More scouting by <Nice Mr. Death>.  Vents for steam big enough for small people to enter.  That meant me and <Professor Sly>.  <Ms. Pepper> and <Mr. Spiritfingers> remained outside, near door that should be servant entrance. Vent runs all the way along south wall.  Able to stay hidden and watch three major bath chambers.  Grates block vent entrances. No way for me to enter without breaking them.  Breaking shit is noisy and slow.  Not a good option. <Professor Sly> embraces Fey Agenda once more and uses Misty Step to pass through the bars and into the bathhouse proper.  I remain in vents to act as a spotter.

Tor Merr Lower Central District Bathouse, 11:17 PM.

After torturously long time <Professor Sly> find Yuan-Ti pureblood with red hair.  <Madam Slithertits>.  Confirmed identity and gave <Ms. Pepper> the chance to go in and make contact.  Disguised herself as a naked snake lady and went invisible.  Should have told her bath attendants I saw wore clothes when they weren’t bathing.  No matter.  She was invisible anyway.  <Professor Sly> and I are able to guide <Ms. Pepper> to <Madam Slithertits> where they made contact.  Able to confirm her willingness to leave so extraction mission did not have to become a cleaning mission. <Professor Sly> uses Misty Step again to join me in the vents where we both exit to the roof and jump down to join <Mr. Spirit Fingers>.  <Ms. Pepper> arrives shortly along with <Madam Slithertits> via Dimension Door.  There might be confusion why we brought <Mr. Spirit Fingers> along as he has done fuck all up to this point.  He has Teleport.  That is why.

Tor Merr Outskirts, Midnight.

All hell has broken loose. Tor Merr is falling to tidal wave of undead.  From the high ridge above city we watch in horror as mountains of zombie Tabaxi and Yuan-Ti pile up and over the city walls.  A river of walking corpses pours into the city from the same sewers we entered from.  Great explosions of necrotic energy strike down dozens of victims at a time only to have them raise up instantly as additions to the undead horde.  Panicked citizens try to flee their labyrinthian city.  The more wealthy and powerful try to hold the great temple at the city’s “head”.  Both groups fail.  Outside our band of uninvited visitors who had proper get-the-fuck-out booyagh, only a thousand others would survive the night.  At most.  We watch the horror by the light of the moon for as long as we can stomach it.  We don’t stay long.

Bumblefuck Road, Fort Yatari, 9AM, Fourday

Almost home.  Last day of travel has been quiet.  No one really wants to talk about what we saw.  The great plains to the south were empty.  We saw no more Lapendi beyond the hunters from a few days ago.  No meteors try to strike us in the night, but the beds were nice.  Needed comfort.  As we leave we come across homesteaders heading out for promised land to the west.  We tell them it’s a bad idea.  The husband was a bit of a dipshit and didn’t want to listen.  Until <Professor Sly> concisely explained process of dying to necrotic energy and coming back as a corpse.  They joined us on the road back to Port Mirandia.

Ruined Oak, Bitter Dwarf Inn, 7:46 PM, Fiveday

Delivered <Madam Slithertits> to <Lord Moneybags>.  He seems still suspicious of the  Yuan-Ti, but happy to see her safe.  Small payment and shitty strew recipe given along with some decent magic stabby oil that I know he fished out of his bag right before we got there.  Seemed offended we don’t work for free.  Was surprised we did not loot bathhouse before extracting <Madam Slithertits>.  Confirmed he is not only cheap but also a dumb ass.  Pros don’t stop to fucking loot.  That is just dumb.  Do we tell stories of the legendary Artemis Entreri emptying the silverware drawers before he claims his mark? The last thing they hear – the jingle jangle of stolen cutlery rattling in his pockets?  Of course not.

Gave information about fall of Tor Merr.  Everyone concerned. More information on the horde needed.

Mission successfully completed.

Consecutive missions with no fatalities of auxiliary personnel: 2

Pockets that needed picking: fucking zero

The following code can be found in goblin at the end of the report

Madam Slithertits: Esmeredrite the pureblood Yaun-Ti

Lord Moneybags: Sir Yarsby, dwarven spymaster

Ms. Pepper: Yatari Silverkin, succubus and honorary leader

Mr. Spiritfingers: Lysing ,blue Sorcerer,

Professor Sly: goblin Twee, trailblazer, cartographer, and actual leader

Ms. Avacado, goblin Dakka Doon, scout and chronicler

Captain Toofus: Blasphemy, mount and part time pirate

Nice Mr. Death: Beezlebat, bat, trap detector

Mr. Thneed: Balthier, was scheduled to join mission but got sick