By: Le Count
In which goblin Dakka Doon, relates the adventures of her and her party in acquiring the flag pole needed to finish a Port Mirandia guard tower in the colorful language of her people. Bargaining with Apnar to forge the pole led to a chain of favors culminating in an arena battle between our heroes and two cloud giants and their cohorts. Our heroes won. In honor of Australia Day, the holiday we played our session on, I have added the phrase “good cunt” to Dakka Doon’s list of available swear words.
Date: 27 Jan 2022
Our Brave Adventurers
Aodh: leader kind of
Karthis: something else
Dakka Doon: scout
Entities of interest:
What the fuck? A flagpole? They can’t finish the guard tower because they don’t like any of the sticks they got around here? I swear to Surtr every time I think the assholes around here can’t get any dumber…
Anyway, instead of just forging the damn thing myself. Which I can do. Because I am a fucking badass smith and master of motherfucking giant runey lore. Instead of doing that, we have to march our asses over to the mountains and beg Apnar to do it. Apnar is a fire giant. He is a “good cunt” as we say. So anyway, he has got to do it. Because if I did it, it would be goblin appropriation or some shit and wouldn’t work. I don’t question this shit. I just do it. Because that’s what heroes do.
We heroically marched out of Port Mirandia on Wilber, Shrieker’s big ass turtle lizard bird thing. I like having Shrieker along. First, he has Wilber carry my shit. Second, he lets me borrow his magic seeing glasses which I fucking love. Last, that bird is a fucking killing machine. A “murder” describes a whole bunch of motherfucking crows or just one motherfucking Shrieker.
Anyway, we head out with me on point and the big, whatever the fuck Wilber is, finding our trail. Because we are badasses we did not get fucked with on the way to see Apnar. We did see a giant face in the clouds. Someone said it’s a storm giant. I was worried he would be mad at me for stealing his booyagh. He wasn’t. I hope. After that there was a big ass motherfucking turtle like four times the size of big ass motherfucking Wilbur. He was nice. Gave us a ride across the river and everything. Didn’t understand a word he said but him and Kirnis got along. Last thing we found was a fork in the road. More than one actually. Made of bronze. Who the fuck keeps leaving random shit on the ground out here? You know why Tar the druid retired? Because he is out here, on the island, every fucking day picking up all the trash you assholes leave behind! And crying! Fucking do better people. Anyway, Aodh picked up one of the forks because he is fucking dumb, but whatever, it zapped him with didn’t do shit because he is made out of adamantine and old shoe leather.
Anyway, we get to Apnar and he is great as usual. No one kicked his ass and stole his tooth or some shit recently so that was nice. He agreed to make our magic fucking flagpole but wanted us to do shit in return for it. Which if fine. If you are good at shit never do it for free. And I guess making big ass flag poles is one of the things Apnar is good at. Anyway, he wanted us to get some special silk he can wear. I respect that. Armor stands between you and the outside world, but only the best quality silk sits between my armor and my special parts. Warrior’s secret right there. Well, that and talcum powder. Anyway, there was a drunk guy to the north who had what he needed. We were told to follow the smell of booze. Like whenever I go looking for Barry.
So Apnar lets us stay the night, which is nice, because some of us (Me. I did it…ok, and Jyn) got his tooth back way back when. But he charged us a gold coin to do it, which was a dick move. But whatever, giants gotta eat too. I think Aodh took a liking to Apnar, but was cock blocked by magma. Better luck next time buddy.
We found the silk guy the next day. In a cave with a door behind a waterfall. Booze smell coming out of there was so strong, shit tons of rushing water couldn’t block it. Outside of the smell, he had a tits hidey cave though. We talked and of course he can help, but of course he needs us to do shit. He wanted some flamewhiskey for him and his buddy (at last, a mission I can get behind – rescuing booze). Of course his buddy was a silver dragon. Who I met before. Argentius, I think he was called. He wanted us to do shit too. Who doesn’t? Big fucking turtles that’s who. They just ferry you across rivers without you even needing to ask. Because big fucking turtles are good cunts. Anyway, he lost his mirror because he is fucking dumb and asked us to find it. Oh, and Jironi (that is the silk spinning booze hound’s name) told us we could get flamewhiskey from a castle up north.
So we set out with more shit to do and I see a gold cat again. Oh yeah, forgot to mention the gold cat. Saw it on our first day out, but was distracted by the giant sky face and the big fucking turtle and the litter you assholes keep fucking up my island with. Anyway we saw one and someone tried to make friends with it back then but it wasn’t having it. Cats are dicks. Gold cats are super dicks. This one in front of me now was a super extra dick and hissed at me. Then it turned in to some woman who yelled at me in giant. Said I stank like dragon. What the fuck? Unless dragons smell like distilled sour mash so foul even a fucking waterfall doesn’t wash the stink off, I think she was making shit up. Anyway, I translated and cuntface was named Grinna and had our boy’s mirror, which she even pulled out and showed us (it’s a pretty big mirror. Not sure where she was keeping it). We wanted the mirror to give it back to Argentius and she said her price was his head. Yeah, so she is fucking dumb. We tried explaining how what she was asking made no fucking sense when she went all booyaghy and shouted about her mirror or some shit. That is when some fuckery happened.
Out of the mirror popped out five perfect clones of Balthier, Marcus, Barren, GarGot, and myself. The boys all looked at us with faces that had cold eyes and evil goatees. My counterpart seemed to be wearing armor that covered less. Or her tits were bigger. Or both. Either way, the bitch had to go. Grinna took a few arrows and then vanished, with Shrieker running after where he thought she might have gone after almost killing himself shooting at her in the first place. Nothing to be done. Bird brain is great at killing – not so much at the thinking. Best to just let him run off at times like these.
Jyn and Bad Marcus dumped ghostly warriors on the battlefield that cut up one side or the other. I charged up to avoid getting chopped up by the Bad Marcus warriors and Bad Gargot charged down to avoid being chopped up by ours. What followed was a proper shit show of magic and violence. The clones weren’t as good with the booyagh they inherited from the originals, and eventually Shrieker gave up on trying to find the giant lady and fired some arrows back to help us. This means we managed to cut them down, one after the other, until only Bad Marcus remained. My clone fucked me up though. Not sure how to feel about that. Anyway, it was kind of fucked up to have to fight Marcus when we haven’t even had the funeral yet for the poor bastard. And Barren was a good kid too, even if he did all that creepy “we” shit when he talked. Didn’t deserve to be eaten by no bullshit purple worm and didn’t deserve to have his memory be a bullshit magical weapon neither. Eventually we dropped Bad Marcus and his last words were how he was going to his god. Which actually made me feel better about the whole thing. But I was still pretty pissed. Shrieker even more. He was better friends with PTI’s butler than I was.
Well, we got the mirror, which was fritzed but not busted and Argentius the silver dragon came to visit. Said he was drawn by his mirror. Sure. He got his mirror. Turns out the magic to make clones was gone – my dreams of a Dakka army with it. Grinna got away. So we continued north.
We found our castle. I didn’t want to go in because it was a cloud castle and Grinna let us know she was a cloud giant before she left. I really didn’t want to mess with cloud giants we already pissed off. Well, we took a vote and everyone else wanted to check it out. Fucking democracy. Well, no one could jump thirty feet in the error to get to the entrance so Aodh just yelled out instead. Some stairs arrived and we met an old friend, Zorin. This cloud castle was actually a wizard school now. I remember these assholes. Anyway, the real head master who was an actual, proper wizard was gone. We asked if they had any flamewhiskey and he said they did, but (always the fucking “but”) they needed shit done. Whatever. At this point we didn’t fucking care. Turns out Grinna and her dick boyfriend Dolomitov where fucking with their castle because Cumulos, their grandpappy or teacher or whatever the fuck, was the sucker Zorin’s master stumpstomped before pinching his flying castle. The giants demanded mortal combat and Zorin needed champions. It took a while to sink in but this prick meant us. That is the going price of flame whiskey? A death duel with a pair of cloud giants and whatever the fuck else they feel like bringing? What a dick…
It gets worse. We agree. Because why the fuck not. Then this asshole says the duel is in the morning, and that we can stay in the castle for, get this, one fucking gold! I am good enough to be your fucking champion in a death duel and you can’t even comp a room? What an asshole…
Anyway, next day the other cloud giants roll up in their own cloud castle and change it into a giant arena with spikes on the wall and shit. Besides Mr and Mrs Fuckstick they had a big metal snake and an animated undead suit of armor. And also a hobgoblin named Dahistrious. He was shouting something in goblin about making a bet for gold and the chance to shag the cloud giant bitch. I didn’t respond. Because you don’t talk to perverts. Even goblins know that much. Also, it’s a fucking death duel. Winner is going through the loser’s pockets anyway.
Well, we all get there and the giants say the usual “me so strong” giant shit giants say and then all around Shrieker turned black and a stream of arrows flew out and riddled Grinna. At least a half dozen, maybe more. All of them exploded with energy when they hit her and one of them struck her blind. Balthier followed up and the bitch probably should have died. I know I would have. Like twice over. But the bitch didn’t die. Because fuck giants. Dolomitov rushed forward and Aodh and I stepped up to meet him. Mainly Aodh. That fucker got in old Dolomitov’s face and did not let up for a sec. Fucking Aodh can take a pounding, that’s for sure.
I quickly peeled off to take on Dahistrious because I hate perverts. And I fucking hate hobgoblins. He had just hit Kirnis with a spell that seemed to start petrifying him. Bad Barren opened with zapping Kirnis in our last fight too. I understand. He can be a bit of a dick. But how did they know? I tried my best to use “Dispel Magic” but no matter how much I damaged the hobgobbo he just wouldn’t drop his petrification curse. Him being a piece of shit Abjurer wasn’t helping either. Kirnis tried his best to resist and even polymorphed into a chimera trying to use wild magic. In the end, he just ended up as a badass chimera statue. Big boy Dolomitov was swinging hard and, after eating the fireball and the fucking cone of fucking cold, I was looking almost as bad as Aodh was.
And then the tide turned (that’s some fish talk for Kirnis). Jyn was fighting the leader along with Aodh and I thought she was gonna run up and start healing him seeing as how hurt he was. That didn’t happen. Jyn, the big, beautifulest, gingerest dwarf that ever dwarved, instead ran up to the fucker and, with her hammer enchanted with adamantine magic, reared back and hit him right in the fucking ghoulies. I have never seen anything hit that hard in my fucking life. I am sure you heard the poor bastard’s howl of pain and sorrow all the way back in Port Mirandia. That right there is why giants hate fighting dwarves.
Anyway, after literally busting their leader’s balls, the rest of the fight wrapped up quickly after that. Shrieker and Balthier finished tracking down Grinna who was mostly dead and hiding while invisible. The found her and she is all the way dead now. Aodh got dropped, but Dolomitov followed and Jyn was able to get our boy back up after that, where he stayed. It was a bit close though. I finally dispelled the petrification curse on Kirnis when I hit that fucking hobgobbo for the 50th fucking time (or 5th) and he showed his gratitude by flying over and torching the fucker with his new chimera dragon head. That was it. The rest was just clean up.
Anyway, I figured this battle was to have been a test and Zorin was going to float down from his castle and declare we were true heroes before awarding me “Goblincaliber, the sacred sword of greenskin heroes”. He didn’t. He just gave us our booze and kicked us out the door. Not even so much as a curing spell. Fuck that guy…
Anyway, we got Jironi his booze and that got Apnar his silk underwear and that got our new guard tower a fancy new flag pole. Got an extra barrel for our trouble, so we are tapping that fucker at the Potted Plant. Because that is what fucking heroes do.