The following is dramatic retelling of this log: Goblin Frenzy | Sleeper Island EU.
Unkown person: “We need to go back to that day”.
Dakka Doon: “Sure. Fuck. I guess.”
Unknown party casts Detect Thoughts
Unkown person: “What is the first thing you remember…“
Dakka Doon’s First Adventure/Near Death Experience
“So I really just want to not die…thank you…”
Fuck me sideways, I sould like a total asshole. I still feel nervous as fuck. Wasn’t expecting Sel, the Drow to my left, to not have anything to say at all. Poor bastard must be even more nervous than me. Or maybe he just woke up. Darthis, our leader, is looking a lot more confident, maybe. Hard to tell with Dragonborn. Still, it’s not hard to tell he was as green as me and Sel were. Oh? He’s not going let me die? Great! And he is “infallible”? Even better. Sounds like total horseshit but I’m gonna believe the scaly bastard anyway.
After that we have…Gorstag? Gorstus? Definitely something with a “gor” in it…Should have been paying better attention. Still, he looks normal enough. On top of that, his zombie seemed reliable and well maintained. And he calls it “Friend”. How nice. I can’t help but feel there is something off here. But fuck me with Ymir’s Mighty Mammoth Tusk I can’t concentrate on anything else because I can’t stop thinking about how everyone here must think I’m a fucking git.
Still, none of this matters – because we have Danivoy with us. The whispers all morning were about how just traveling with him made a group all but unkillable. Only a half dozen or so missions to his credit but everyone can’t stop talking about how he is some kind of Druid prodigy. I can feel my nervousness drain away as the dwarf”s eyes look upon us with kindness and serenity. Even as he spoke I began to feel in my heart that maybe, just maybe everything was going to be…wait a fucking minute. Did he just sneak a drink out of a flask? Not a problem. Not a problem. He’s a dwarf. I’m sure that’s just breakfast to him or something. He can handle his…holy fuck, I can smell that from here. I don’t think that type of alcohol is for drinking.. No need to worry. Maybe it’s medicine? I’m sure it will be ok if…how long is he going to keep drinking that? Oh good it’s empty. I can’t but help but stare as he shakes off the last few drops causing the grass below to wilt on contact.
“Well, let’s get going”. Danivoy says, as I stumble behind, still dumbfounded. I quickly shake off my surprise and start stalking ahead of the group. I’m the scout seeing as how I’m all skilly and shit. Don’t want to let my first team down. Danivoy is behind me, using his druidcraft to find the best path. He says it’s straight north towards the mountains and not the road. The road going east. To our destination. Due east. Surtr’s flaming ass cheeks – that dwarf is pickled.
Well fortunately nothing ate us during our two hour detour through the northern wildlands and we managed to get back on course safely. Everything is gonna be much…fuck me, what was that? Was that an earthquake? Please let it be an earthquake. I look around to my party and they are all making a “this isn’t a fucking earthquake” face. That’s when I see the ground buckle on the road behind like something was under the surface. Something big. Something coming right for us. “Fuck”, I say to myself. “Trouble!”. I shout aloud as I point to the tidal wave of “we’re fucked”coming at us. I immediately get off the road and hide in the first good hidey bush I find.
A few of the others scattered but not Danivoy. He braced himself like he was going to lift a boulder and pulled a mighty bear totem from the center of the road. I could feel the power wash over us. Annams cock, I feel strong enough to lift a baby goat. With one hand! Oh, Danivoy – this is what the fuss was all about.
The land shark erupts from the ground (of course it’s one of those fucking things) and lands in the center of the group that didn’t quite scatter. It looks painful, but thanks to pure fucking bear energy they are able to keep their feet and shrug off the worst of it. Having some of them bear juices flowing myself I leap forward and stab the fucker. Right in the fucking mouth. Suck on that! I could see the pain on its stupid shark bird lizard face as it worked it’s giant stupid mouth, not able to completely close its jaws anymore. Get fucked bitch.
The pally boys move in on the creature and start whacking it with their pointy bits as I pop in to stab and back out to cover them with my shield. Didn’t need to bother with that last bit – big lizard thing couldn’t properly bite for nuthin with his chomper all fucked up. Gorstag steps forward with his hand glowing with some kind of booyhag and touches the land shark. Doesn’t seem to like that one bit so there it goes underground. Looks like it had enough.
So, of course the fucker turns around 10 seconds later and jumps on us one more time. This time it’s Danivoy caught out. Doesn’t look like he got squished though. Pretty spry when he wants to be.
Anyway, this thing is dumb, but after Friend runs over smacks him a good one on the nose I think it figures it’s beat. It goes underground one more time, but this time it doesn’t come back. Thinkin how much it needs to eat and how hungry it looked attacking us – I don’t think it’s gonna make it. Especially with a fucked up chomper. I’d feel bad, if the fucker hadn’t tried to just eat half of us.
Anyways we decide to take a little rest and that’s when we find the cart tracks leading up a ways into a cave. Putting our heads together it seems that those tracks are for just the sort of cart gobbos move people in and that dark cave is just the sort of place where they do the fucked up shit they like to do. Don’t want to think too much on that. It’s really fucked up. Seriously. Fucking gobbos…
Well, dark cave is dark. Me and Sel are fine cause he’s part drow and I’m all goblin (minus the brain worms you get from doing that fucked up shit I’m still trying not to think about).. Gorstag seems strangely good in the dark too. And has a zombie. And makes shit run away by touching it. I still feel like I’m missing something super obvious but fuck me if I can think what it is.
Danivoy is blind at this point. Blind drunk. Still he is able to follow along and, outside of garbling one sentence or another I couldn’t understand, he seems mostly quiet. Darthis needs help though. He is a fucking dragon. They see through fucking space and time and through magic and shit. How does he not see in the fucking dark? Annam’s balls. I start digging through my bag to see if I have a torch. Sel saves me the effort by summoning a dancing ball of light to light our way. My hero!
With our tiny light to show the way we can stumble around the caves all we like. I have to admit, the muck on the ground feels really nice squishing through my toes. As long as I don’t think about what it’s from. Squishy squishy muckety muck, someone to stab someone to…my half remembered goblin nursery rhyme is suddenly forgotten. Someone is shouting ahead and they found something. Oh joy, we found an ancient evil creep statue. Someone, I think that’s Gorstag, let us know it’s a statue of Doresain, king of the ghouls, former vassal to Yeenaghu and the once and current vassal to Orcus, the Lord of Undead. Fuck my ass with Surtr’s flaming cock – I just know all this shit I really, really don’t want to know is gonna stick in my head.
I’m not surprised Doresain took a liking to my people with their eating habits and all. Still, lucky for us anything living or even animated was long gone. Wasted a couple pitons keeping a tricky door open that we didn’t need, but that was about it before we left the place and camped out for the night. No one hurt too bad. Danivoy sobered up enough from tramping around in the cave to go hunt us up a nice deer. Got a good feeling about tomorrow.
I should have gone through Danivoy’s pockets when he was sleeping. Somehow, he pulled out another flask of paint thinner this morning and it’s even bigger than the one from yesterday. He must have been hitting it hard since sunrise because he is eerily quiet this morning. Still, he is managing to keep us on the road this time. So…progress?
It’s not hard to tell we got to where we were looking. Which was the territory of a reported gobbo tribe. Some poor bastard went and got hung from a tree and it looks like he didn’t do it to himself. It looks easy to climb so I might as well cut him down. Getting a closer look he is poor. And human. And a man. And dead. Not gnawed on though. That seems odd, but so does hanging the body in the first place. Gargot offered to speak to the body for more information and…holy fucking shit he’s a fucking necromancer! What the fuck is wrong with me? I just spent the last 24 hours hanging out with a fucking zombie and didn’t bat an eyelash. For fucks sake he calls it “Friend”. How am I not totally creeped the fuck out right now? Ok. Breathe. Breathe. Relax…and…I’m good now. More surprised than anything else. Everything is fine.
Fuck me, he just asked if he could keep the corpse’s head. This is just funny now. I decide to be helpful and point out we can use the head to try and find his next of kin. He asks the important questions and no shock here – gobbos killed him. Still don’t know why they strung him up though. Gorgat wants to know if we have any more questions. I tell him he can always ask the body if it minds if he takes its head. I’m just fucking with Darthis at this point but…Holy shit, Gorgat just asked the corpse if he can keep his head. And he got it to say “yes”. Fucking legend!
I didn’t volunteer for grave digging. That’s pally work. Besides, something was still gnawing at me. Leaving the boys to their digging I lazily scan the ridge on the other side of the road. I can see the glints of metal. Ymir’s frozen farts. It’s a cock fucking ambush. That’s why they hung him up without eating on him. He was fucking bait. I feel like a prize twat. “Trouble!!!”, I shout.
There are some gits popping out to snipe from the trees up above, but we keep our shields up as we make for the slope that leads up to their position – no shots are getting through. So far, so good. If me and Friend and the pally boys take our time and march up defensively in a group we can safely cut the gits down when they pop from the trees. Gargot and Danivoy should be right behind us in case they got some bigguns or a frothy git to cause us trouble. I turn to give them an encouraging thumbs up while I stick myself close to Darthis to help cover him since he’s taking most of the fire.
Fuck my life. Danivoy is passed out on his feet. All of us are yelling at him but he ain’t answering. This is bad. Still, as long as we stick together we can still hold out long enough to…fuck me Darthis just fucking bolted. He’s got big scaly balls so his idea of bolting is to run forward and hop up on and over the ten foot ridge before vanishing into the woods with the snipers. My tiny green ass ain’t making that jump. Still, Sel’s got position on the top of the slope and he’s returning fire with some booyhag blasts. Good – we can make a push and hopefully keep Darthis from getting cut to pieces. Just as long as there is any…A frothy git comes running out of the trees to the left of Sel, screaming from the top of his lungs. He swings his war pick twice and Sel is laid out in the dirt. Fuck. Fuck! FUuCKKK!!!
Got to get to Sel. Got a good berry. That’ll fix him. Oh Friend got there first. He has got his own berry in his hand. Good. No. Not good. Hear shouting in the other trees where Darthis is. Another frothy git. Fuck. Ok. Stabbing the first one. Of course he don’t go down. That’s fine. Move over to Darthis. There are already five goblins around him. Fuck. Maybe they will think I’m one of them. They don’t. First stab goes in my shoulder. If only I had some fucking studs in this leather armor I know that stab wouldn’t have gone through.
I fucked up. Friend never got the goodbery to Sel. He’s a fucking zombie. Of course he’s slow. Darthis is already hiding behind his shield so nothing I can do to help with mine. Not that it’s doing him much good. He looks apologetic as the final stab sends him spiraling into the dirt. Fuck that’s a lot of blood. I feel like an asshole. Well at least Danivoy is awake and moving I’m sure he can…did he just laugh and throw a fucking rock the frothy git? That’s it. I’m fucked. What a stupid fucking way for me to die. With his only other target bleeding out in the ground the frothy git turns to me. My feet turn to lead and I can only watch as his war pick buries itself in my stomach. I try not to think about what’s spilling out of the wound. His follow up swing brings merciful blackness.
Before me are the pits of hell. Maglubiyet’s whip is wrapped around my neck. “Come into the pits! Do you not want to fight the eternal war?”, a voice rings in my ear. I really do want to fight for all eternity. Just not for this prick. All I wanted was to learn the skilly runes, get some giant booyhag and do some hero shit and eventually be raised up to Valhalla where I can spend eternity doing battle with hunky Vikings instead of shitty greenskins. I struggle with all I have against the pull the whip. I’m already teetering on the edge of the pits. With the last of my being I…
“Wake up. No lying down on the job”.
Fuck me, Danivoy finally sobered up enough to use more than cantrips. His healing words bring me back. Will it be enough? I blink the pain out of my eyes and immediately think of Darthis. I still have that berry. I can…I can’t. It’s too late for him. I put the berry in his mouth and try to make him chew it anyway. The berry remains dribble out of his lifeless jaws. Fuck. It looks like the first frothy git is down at least. Too fucking costly.
Danivoy is standing over the pieces of what used to be Friend with an arrow sticking out of his forehead. Holy fuck what a shot that was. And how the fuck is he not dead? I try to shoot the frothy git and miss. Fuck me it wasn’t even him. Fuck I’m scared. My instincts take over and I fade into the brush. Gorstag isn’t moving. Sel is up at least but already heading down the road trying to get away from the frothy git that dropped me and Darthis. It seems determined to chase him.
One goblin is trying and failing to find my position, another is shooting arrows at Danivoy. A third is rushing him with a scimitar. Danivoy summons up another mighty totem. This time a unicorn. It’s healing magic washes over all us and gives us hope.
Gorstag gets up and reaches out to strike down the frothy git with a hand cloaked in blackest booyhag. The idiot is too busy getting ready to chase after Sel to defend itself so surely he will…get fucking missed. How is that even possible? All you gotta do is touch him and he ain’t even paying attention to you.
Danivoy gets hit with an arrow and drops to the ground. Gorstag gets hit and goes down as well. Sel has the frothy get in his face looking to knock him back down in the dirt. I abandoned my rapier and shield back by Darthis’s remains in my panic and my shaky fingers can barely load my crossbow, let alone shoot it straight. I fucking miss again. Two miracles happen. The first is Danivoy, for no fucking rational reason, is not dead and even stands right back up, blood shooting from half-closed wounds and that arrow still buried in his fucking forehead. The second is Sel somehow survives a blow from the frothy git And even more amazingly, he comes back to stand by Danivoy. I have never seen an “I don’t fucking want to be here” expression as clear as what was on Sel’s face right then but, with tears in his eyes, he held his ground. What a fucking hero.
Fuck I wish I didn’t drop my shield. I fire again. Holy fuck I hit. A good hit too. I can tell. Frothy git just gets frothier though. Gorstag returns to his feat. Again. His dark rage once more coalescing into deadly booyhag around his hand. Surely even the frothy git can’t survive…fuck all life on this sphere he fucking missed again. I fire off another bolt in desperation, surprising the gobbo still looking for me in the bush next to me. Fuck me if I don’t miss again too.
The frothy git doesn’t recover in time from his last attempt to brain the half dead heroes in front of him, so Gorstag has time to summon the last of his power and try to touch him one more time. This time it lands. Between that and a couple of other good shots from Sel and Danivoy the fucker drops. The remaining couple of gobbos flee. Goblins are good at running away, so they are across the clearing and bolting into a nearby cave before any of us can act. We don’t got much fight left in us either.
Can’t risk reinforcements showing up, so we don’t got time to jimmy up anything to carry the body with. Danivoy and I both grab one of Darthis’ feet and start dragging.
Trip back sucks. We take a short break after we get a mile or so away from the goblin cave, but are still pretty beat up. Lucky nothing shows up to attack us as we high tail it back to town.
We bury Darthis. It’s a nice service. We all say some nice shit about Darthis and I, at least, mean it. I am pretty sure the others do too. Sel places a couple of coppers on his eyes for the ferryman and I slip the grave diggers some gold coins to drink to his memory. They know him about as well as the rest of us did. I promise to go back and finish the rest of the bastards that did this to him off. His memory deserves that much.
Pretty shit for my first mission. Still, I managed to scrape together enough loot from the trip to pay the blood price for some leather armor with some fucking studs in it.
Blood for the stud god.